Is Past to Blame?

Mar19

Tell me, how am I supposed to feel

When all I get are crazy things to hear

my childhood was full of fights and nights of tears

I grew up shy with no words to ever say

I’ve never had no friends and today it’s still the same.

And now I’m always afraid of what move to make.

I feel like I’m stuck- I’ve lost from the beginning

Maybe it’s fate, or maybe I’m sinning.

I was never free, despite what it appears to be

But I’ve held onto faith and smile for hope.

I know I’m alone, but from above there’s a rope

for me to climb up, and let all else go-

ignore what’s happening, and keep writing

my list of wishes,

like how I wish someone would do the dishes-

I still struggle to live as life should be

But maybe one day, I’ll live as me

With a tough past, but free of grief.

and maybe I’ll finally write

when I’m not sad, but happy.

Something’s wrong

Oct2

I’ve been pitifully hurting

Ive been mercilessly thirsty

Feeling suddenly alone-

what I see-

is this what they’ve all been shown

is this how they’ve been grown

to live in the sin of beatless hearts

is this how they grow

is this all they know

or do they see something under

the moonless glow

Why do i see

something else that I feel

a language that seems

no translation can make clear

even if all the seas were made into ink

and sea salt dried into sculptures and formations

displaying the story of my emotions

it will still not be clear

because there are two arguments here

from two different places

one of many faces

and mine of a single motivation

just one

and thus

I am alone

and they are many

with many faces

and many reasons

Alone. -winning submission in contest

May6

I felt like sweet water in the dead sea. Never able to mix in, but water all the same.

Maybe it was really me. who was the problem in my dreams

maybe it was me who crushed all my fantasies.

I couldn’t really ever tell why I never got along.

besides the fact that friendship relied on currencies.

I didn’t put a price on friendship.

But that didn’t mean I was free.

…
in the end, I’m happy to be me.

patiently waiting
for the right company.

patiently waiting,

alone.

I submitted this in a competition @graciechicksblog and I’m humbled to know that it won first place 🙂 Definitely check out her blog, there’s a lot of wonderful stuff to read. She event started a brilliant campaign on “Tackling Racism with Haikus“. I actually wrote one not too long ago!

I hope everyone who has felt alone finds their sweet cool pool of company to resolve in. It’s not easy being different as a child, and being an adult doesn’t somehow magically change things either. That pain of being alone is still the same.

You start to doubt yourself.

but don’t worry, as long as you keep your doors open, with time you’ll find the right ppl come your way and you won’t have to chase after them either.

all the best ❤

the silent one in the back

Jan16

What is the definition of life
Are we all the same on the inside
Are the monsters real
or is it just what I think
Being the silent one in the back
I appear as a creep
No one really knows
The things I see
The secrets I keep
The words in my mouth
that never came out
Is it all nothing
Or was it all worth something
that I never really became a part
of the rest of the living

With the Light of no source

Sep18

behind the curtains
above these windows
with not a single star in sight
there gazes a certain light
belonging to no source
despite the thundering plight
ringing against my ears
bringing me to tears

I’m fighting for my sake
because my purpose is all I have
far away from the regular world
swarmed by the stories that are lived as untold
It’s not the material I desire to take
and rub it into my hands
pretending it won’t turn to dust
nor is it the lust
that bewitches hearts to rust

rather it’s what dries away my tears
the cool wind thriving through my years
guiding me to the light
I was sure was ever real
helping me see myself
above the petty things
that were grown with crooked wings
failing me to fly
to the greatest height of one’s sight
no
I see myself
above those petty things
grown with crooked wings
above the lavish
that seizes to quench the thirst of gluttonous eyes

I see myself rise,
not needing the sugar in the lies-

nor the endless tales in ties-

I see myself

going

towards the heaviest in size, succulent clouds
with rain drops
of no owner shared
ready to give
to that which is none unless paired

so here I am
behind these dark curtains
listening to the lightning
with no stars in sighting
having the one thing
that is the world’s most heightened
glory, with the wind keeping my secrets

to myself

Your hidden savior

Sep2

Trapped deep in the dungeons of your mind
You look up at the gaping window of sustenance
In hope that something– somebody will know you are there, alone, and voiceless.
Expecting someone to hold their hand down
Despite you knowing this is no fairy tale
There isn’t a magical prince to save the damsel in regress of her own distress.

Deep amidst your thoughts of anxiety
Suddenly a suffocating steam erupts, rising above your ankles
Fear strikes your heart
The prickling heat is climbing up your body
Fear
The pulse hits your heart again

This utter fear, it’s as if a shard of glass has been removed from your eyes
your blurred vision clears for a split second of another sharp pulse
you see a rusty chair sitting near
The touch of turmoil having reached your chest
You scramble to the chair in desperation

through the steam of despair
Escaping death
As you climb out the window
Realizing the sustenance was in you from the beginning.