alright.. باسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
I was supposed to make daily reflections this Ramadan so I can get back on track to the way I used to be 3 years ago ( very punctual and timely and spiritual etc)
Because now I’m barely gettin that spiritual iman-high back that I used to have like all the time… especially in High school since I was always so upset over going to school. being a shy muslim n all.
But I think my problem really is the fact that I’m trying to be something from the past.
I’m somebody different now. I’ve grown. I’ve seen marriage, gotten some college done, taken Islamic courses, learned a little bit of basic arabic. I’m able to think more and reach better conclusions… (thinking positive, right?)
What I need to do is make a new picture of how I want myself to be. To stop relating myself back to my 16 year old self.
I’ve gone through 2 years of serious learning (through marriage and diploma courses) and it’s taken a toll on me, but for the better.
My bestfreind grandpa sheikh-imam tells me I’ve matured and that I need to focus on further growing myself.
Now to grow myself spiritually again… I think I need to analyze something. What is spirituality? What is nearness to Allah swt?
It’s all about the intention.
and my heart cries for it. to be able to cry and make serious duas after every prayer the…(way I used to -shoot i referred to my past again) to be in constant dhikr… to read a ton of Quran and listen to a ton of youtube lectures, etc. I used to be able to recite on full volume 2 juz and be totally fine. I mean I can still do that if I wanted to, but i’d get really tired if I did now..
The fact is that I’m trying and I want it. though I may not feel it, I’ve learned that sometimes Allah tests us by Not having a sense of spirituality, but our jihad in trying is the faith itself.
that’s satisfying. I can only hope that that is how I’m doing.
my goals for Ramadan were to read lots of Quran but I don’t like reading plain Quran without understanding it. but It makes me feel bad when I spend nearly an hour trying to understand both by translation and grammar, and with meaning and reflection, and I get through 2 pages.. single sides.
but in sha Allah, I do hope that it’ll get better as time goes on.
cuz my new personal motto is to be AUTHENTIC.
I think I’ll write about that in another post…
so conclusion for tonights reflection and some last notes
-let go of how I used to be and focus on how I will be
– it’s all a matter of intention
-we can only keep trying
-everyone is different and their spiritual nearness to God and achieving that is unique and special.
- simple goal of the night- since I can’t pray for now.. focus on doing lots of istighfar
be alive and connect to God the way you are today. not by tryin to be the way you were yesterday . you will be a better person and your intention promises you that.