Punched in the face by hypocrisy

Bismillahi rahmani rahim

How should I start this.  Amidst the wonderful opportunities of meeting amazing people, I’ve also crossed-paths to discover instances that kinda broke my heart.  Hypocrisy.  My intention isn’t to point out the hypocrisy in others, rather it’s to recollect the sadness that I experience and find a window of sunshine through it.

I’ve been basically a hermit for the past few years ever since coming back from Bayyinah in 2013, and in general the circumstances in my life had left me with very little understanding of people and the outside world.

So all of a sudden since getting back in touch with the community and in general, life itself, I’ve discovered many uniquely spectacular people.  I fell in love with everyone that showed even a little bit of humanity and respect. I also found people I thought were inspiring and like-minded, like I’ve finally found the right crowd of people, -despite me still being the quirky oddball weirdo (my highschool personality still resonates from within) ,

erm so where was I..  yeah so there were some really cool people I met and I kinda looked up at em but then as I spent more time, things weren’t as I thought they’d be. Small uncanny surprises made their way and I actually realized how much I disagreed with these people.

Like a lot.

I thought maybe it’s a culture difference.  but nowadays, most people develop their own versions of culture.  idk yaar i’m just saying that when these people display Islamic practice and then I see some things that aren’t very islamic, more like not islamic, like un-Islamic.

it just kinda hit me.

One of the worst cases was when the Imam-uncle was straight up harrassing me for 4 hours when I told him my marriage was an insult to Islam and that info about my marriage is confidential information.

Like bro that aint how being an “imam” works.. ugh! this is why people hate Islam! he made me hate being born as a girl.  the misogyny and arrogance was fuming out of him.

that’s one of the extreme cases though.

There are lighter cases but I guess in this day and age, these are all nuances.  nobody cares.

I care tho.

eheh that’s why im writing about it.  I know I have my weaknesses, and I accept that when I do bad things, that they’re bad things, and I more than wish for others to not suffer from weaknesses like mine. But when you preach one thing and then show another thing, that’s when it’s messed up.

when you appear as a role model for youngsters, that’s when it’s messed up.

and when you talk a ton, say all these super ilm-y (knowledgey)  things, but then your actual demakh (mind, baal)  appears empty, that’s when it kinda just slightly punches me across the face in astonishment.

like there’s so much talk about taking a right turn, but then why do I see you limping to the left side of the street.

ur just another person to me now, but one who punched me in the face.  with good qualities and bad qualities, but one who punched me in the face.

I’ll pray for you and strive hard to educate others to not be like you, and most importantly, for me to not be like you,  somebody who admired you.

 

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Jug of Milk

Adjacent vulnerability welling up my throat.

I saw in a full  clear jug of milk

fresh grass pile up and float

It was the mourning of my past

and my heart’s ill hope

that something for his future might just slope

This was the fresh grass, like a fresh cut

that polluted my jug

for my mourning and my cut would always rise up fresh

and ruin my morning drink

my afternoon drink

and my evening drink

and my night drink

to the point- that I would not think.

the sadness in my desires

for wholesome love to light my fires

spoiled my every drink

depriving me of pure happiness

and the pure willingness

to focus on God

thus leaving me flawed

 

Just like the grass in my milk

 

 

 

13th of Ramadan 1437

http://www.alim.org/library/quran/AlQuran-tafsir/TIK/7/94

A Quran Reflection  ❤

SubhanAllahh there’s definitely something deep going on in surah araaf from, the stories of the previous prophets being denied resulting in destruction, and then to these ayahs 94 and 95.

I think there’s defnitely something I can infer regarding the psychology of a person, where he begins to think it’s totally normal for hardship and ease come together hand in hand.  Hardship and ease are both times of serious contemplation for a believer!  It’s not something for people to hold hands through and close their eyes till it’s over.

or enjoy until it’s over.

When the heart becomes dull to the الحسنة and thinks of it as nothing but a part of mother nature.  oh it happened in the past and it’s gonna happen in the future. nothing more to think of it.

For me, this is a spot for serious dua time.  To ask Allah to be extrememly mindful and thankful at times of ease and الحسنة and extremely careful and mindful and even thankful of course during times of hardship.

Relating these ayahs to my personal life. It scares me the most to see everything going SO well al humdulillah.  I have to compete with all the good things coming my way.  I feel like I really need to put in the effort (the same kind you do for finals- that kind of effort-) to please Allah swt and be thankful, and make duas.

To help other people and to fight to prove your thankfulness.

What I mean by fight is to take a serious position as if it’s my duty to be thankful.

and use my time like it’s life.  astaghfirullah. cuz that’s something I don’t really do.  But it really is time for me to tighten my belt up (as I think the prophet S would say) and be serious

besides, before ayahs 94 and the ayahs of the prophets,

around ayahs 50

وَلَا تُفْسِدُوا فِي الْأَرْضِ بَعْدَ إِصْلَاحِهَا وَادْعُوهُ خَوْفًا وَطَمَعًا ۚ إِنَّ رَحْمَتَ اللَّـهِ قَرِيبٌ مِّنَ الْمُحْسِنِينَ ﴿٥٦

I’m not making tafseer here, it’s just me connecting the ayahs to me so I can remeber and practice them. iA

Allah swt already told us to call upon him with legitimacy and urgency

cuz what else is خوف?  a person is direly serious when he’s scared and calling upon God.  A person is scared when he’s in a condition like this:

Man Survives 60 Hours Under Water In Sunken Ship

460x

this guy was submerged for 60 days under water only alive because of a bubble because of science because of Allah.

I’ll never forget this story man.. subhanallah, I still think about it every now and then.

anyway.. what is طمع ?

here’s my 4 year old giant handy dandy dictionary!!  ( i was popular for carrying it and using it every day and everywhere at Bayyinah since it was so HUGE and  fat and mighty)

tama

 

The Quran dictionary on ejtaal says it means to call upon him with fear and hope, where tam3 means hope, but it’s interesting to plug in all the other words as well,

cuz when you crave or desire something so bad, you feel as though that thing is a part of you and without it you are incomplete, thus you vehemently crave and desire it.  (like for chocolate for ex. just kidding)

and so in this case it’ll be like calling upon Allah swt is so necessary to you and what you are pleading him for is so direly needed.. without it you are just a mess and you need it…

NOT MAKING UP TAFSIR HERE

anyway, about all these words in the Quran.. these words are alive.  they penetrate you and hit you deep because they refer to something very real about you and your humanness.  they aren’t just words that you pick up from shakespeare or something and forget about it because they don’t mean much for you

The words are all particularly chosen because they give a very fitting meaning for every reader and follower..

anyway now I’m just gonna do some serious dua and try to make myself more serious about practicing my deen.

 

here’s the link to ejtaal and the word tam3:

http://ejtaal.net/aa/#hw4=679,ll=1970,ls=5,la=2704,sg=664,ha=450,pr=99,vi=244,mgf=559,mr=390,mn=866,aan=368,kz=1510,ulq=1146,uqa=268,uqw=1016,umr=664,ums=559,umj=501,uqq=215,bdw=564,amr=399,asb=612,auh=968,dhq=344,mht=561,msb=150,tla=69,amj=494,ens=1004,mis=1355

 

 

 

11th day of Ramadan 1437 The Intention

alright.. باسم الله الرحمان الرحيم

I was supposed to make daily reflections this Ramadan so I can get back on track to the way I used to be 3 years ago ( very punctual and timely  and spiritual etc)

Because now I’m barely gettin that spiritual iman-high back that I used to have like all the time…  especially in High school since I was always so upset over going to school. being a shy muslim n all.

But I think my problem really is the fact that I’m trying to be something from the past.

I’m somebody different now.  I’ve grown. I’ve seen marriage, gotten some college done, taken Islamic courses, learned a little bit of basic arabic.  I’m able to think more and reach better conclusions… (thinking positive, right?)

What I need to do is make a new picture of how I want myself to be.  To stop relating myself back to my 16 year old self.

I’ve gone through 2 years of serious learning (through marriage and diploma courses) and it’s taken a toll on me, but for the better.

My bestfreind grandpa sheikh-imam tells me I’ve matured and that I need to focus on further growing myself.

Now to grow myself spiritually again… I think I need to analyze something. What is spirituality? What is nearness to Allah swt?

 

It’s all about the intention. 

and my heart cries for it.  to be able to cry and make serious duas after every prayer the…(way I used to -shoot i referred to my past again)  to be in constant dhikr… to read a ton of Quran and listen to a ton of youtube lectures, etc.  I used to be able to recite on full volume 2 juz and be totally fine.  I mean I can still do that if I wanted to, but i’d get really tired if I did now..

The fact is that I’m trying and I want it.  though I may not feel it, I’ve learned that sometimes Allah tests us by Not having a sense of spirituality, but our jihad in trying is the faith itself.

that’s satisfying. I can only hope that that is how I’m doing.

my goals for Ramadan were to read lots of Quran but I don’t like reading plain Quran without understanding it. but It makes me feel bad when I spend nearly an hour trying to understand both by translation and grammar, and with meaning and reflection, and I get through 2 pages.. single sides.

but in sha Allah, I do hope that it’ll get better as time goes on.

cuz my new personal motto is to be AUTHENTIC.

I think I’ll write about that in another post…

but anyway.

so conclusion for tonights reflection and some last notes

-let go of how I used to be and focus on how I will be

– it’s all a matter of intention

-we can only keep trying

-everyone is different and their spiritual nearness to God and achieving that is unique and special.

  • simple goal of the night- since I can’t pray for now.. focus on doing lots of istighfar

be alive and connect to God the way you are today.  not by tryin to be the way you were yesterday . you will be a better person and your intention promises you that.