I can. speak

Was I ever in control- wwas I ever in control
when my mouth slips and slurs
when my brain forgets the words
despite my heart knowing exactly which grain of sand
I’m trying to put into another’s hand —
the pain of ushering rush, tongue tied
tight in knots, I know which grain I want to lift up to share, exactly which angle I want the sun’s light to glint and glare, as you wait n stare
What is it that makes me stop and sputter a stutter?  I’m stammering as I’m hammering my thoughts to bring out the diamonds the sapphires the emeralds but lifting the jewels with
Buttered fingers, blushed cheeks
apologetic smile, flushed stiff
cold sweat and jittering streaks I used to stuff toilet paper under my armpits to hide the overwhelming feeling of my feeling like a freak, an adult who doesnt know how to speak–

Nervous and frail I hear my noise..  I say I do know poise,

I do not have my tail between my legs, But this twist and whirling zoom is not tamed on a leash,
How much can I beg myself my self to OWN my self and find the word I know exists, the meaning I know matters the feeling I know is real, and even when that word comes out of the treasure chest I dug out of the marked X that I placed, the one whom I’m in command of- my tongue- decides to hide or my lips miss the signal that it’s time to dismiss another message to the listener I hoped to entertain with my play, my lines, my words, my simple auditory communication,.. now I wonder was I ever in

control

when I became shy and couldn’t say

why

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the silent one in the back

What is the definition of life
Are we all the same on the inside
Are the monsters real
or is it just what I think
Being the silent one in the back
I appear as a creep
No one really knows
The things I see
The secrets I keep
The words in my mouth
that never came out
Is it all nothing
Or was it all worth something
that I never really became a part
of the rest of the living

Self-Approval

when will she break open and be free
where her only fear is to not sail the seven seas
how dull and frail she is right now not showing any dignity

stick to your morals I say!
there’s nothing to lose

but nay
she only sways away

I don’t know how to practice those morals
what if I do wrong when I intend right
what if I fail and ..

—And what if you don’t??
there’s no fright I say !
do wrong ! be wronged ! there’s victory in every way

stop your self-menace, allow yourself to accept ur soul

you are you and stuck with it all
so embrace yourself and treat it like a child
care for it like you care for your own
because you yourself
are your own

but by being ur own you’ve earned me and him and her and them
you have friends from being urself
isn’t that enough proof that you can be free and strong?

Go. Leave. break away from your protective armor that blocks ur very sight and oxygen.

let your self live and feel the earth through your fingers. you have nothing to lose but urself from this world

Elevate

to think so far
so slow
until I forget all about it
become myself all again
so I can’t turn back
in any other direction
except

move up
a step at a time
using one breath at a time
before

I’m all outa time

move up
away
from drowning low
most  gracefully

until I reach the part
that I fell away from
and strike on further
not just move but elevate

to alleviate the downward loss I’ve countered.
flare up with the jarring passion of an illiterate to imagine
beyond what words can say

regenerate those dried up tears
into sweet musk fueling the cool glow
of cool blue flames of the living soul dwelling within you

Elevate

aim for  the echoed sounds of your heart calling down to you

There is nothing that the eyes see

but the heart sees more

Your hidden savior

Trapped deep in the dungeons of your mind
You look up at the gaping window of sustenance
In hope that something– somebody will know you are there, alone, and voiceless.
Expecting someone to hold their hand down
Despite you knowing this is no fairy tale
There isn’t a magical prince to save the damsel in regress of her own distress.

Deep amidst your thoughts of anxiety
Suddenly a suffocating steam erupts,  rising above your ankles
Fear strikes your heart
The prickling heat is climbing up your body
Fear
The pulse hits your heart again

This utter fear, it’s as if a shard of glass has been removed from your eyes
your blurred vision clears for a split second of another sharp pulse
you see a rusty chair sitting near
The touch of turmoil having reached your chest
You scramble to the chair in desperation

through the steam of despair
Escaping death
As you climb out the window
Realizing the sustenance was in you from the beginning.