Punched in the face by hypocrisy

Bismillahi rahmani rahim

How should I start this.  Amidst the wonderful opportunities of meeting amazing people, I’ve also crossed-paths to discover instances that kinda broke my heart.  Hypocrisy.  My intention isn’t to point out the hypocrisy in others, rather it’s to recollect the sadness that I experience and find a window of sunshine through it.

I’ve been basically a hermit for the past few years ever since coming back from Bayyinah in 2013, and in general the circumstances in my life had left me with very little understanding of people and the outside world.

So all of a sudden since getting back in touch with the community and in general, life itself, I’ve discovered many uniquely spectacular people.  I fell in love with everyone that showed even a little bit of humanity and respect. I also found people I thought were inspiring and like-minded, like I’ve finally found the right crowd of people, -despite me still being the quirky oddball weirdo (my highschool personality still resonates from within) ,

erm so where was I..  yeah so there were some really cool people I met and I kinda looked up at em but then as I spent more time, things weren’t as I thought they’d be. Small uncanny surprises made their way and I actually realized how much I disagreed with these people.

Like a lot.

I thought maybe it’s a culture difference.  but nowadays, most people develop their own versions of culture.  idk yaar i’m just saying that when these people display Islamic practice and then I see some things that aren’t very islamic, more like not islamic, like un-Islamic.

it just kinda hit me.

One of the worst cases was when the Imam-uncle was straight up harrassing me for 4 hours when I told him my marriage was an insult to Islam and that info about my marriage is confidential information.

Like bro that aint how being an “imam” works.. ugh! this is why people hate Islam! he made me hate being born as a girl.  the misogyny and arrogance was fuming out of him.

that’s one of the extreme cases though.

There are lighter cases but I guess in this day and age, these are all nuances.  nobody cares.

I care tho.

eheh that’s why im writing about it.  I know I have my weaknesses, and I accept that when I do bad things, that they’re bad things, and I more than wish for others to not suffer from weaknesses like mine. But when you preach one thing and then show another thing, that’s when it’s messed up.

when you appear as a role model for youngsters, that’s when it’s messed up.

and when you talk a ton, say all these super ilm-y (knowledgey)  things, but then your actual demakh (mind, baal)  appears empty, that’s when it kinda just slightly punches me across the face in astonishment.

like there’s so much talk about taking a right turn, but then why do I see you limping to the left side of the street.

ur just another person to me now, but one who punched me in the face.  with good qualities and bad qualities, but one who punched me in the face.

I’ll pray for you and strive hard to educate others to not be like you, and most importantly, for me to not be like you,  somebody who admired you.

 

Nightmare 1- Society’s trend

My worst nightmare is being bullied and outcasted

My worst nightmare is becoming homeless, dropped as a beggar

getting locked up

My worst nightmare is getting murdered

Getting in debt

lots of debt, neo-slavery

Having no choice but resorting to theft

having  no morals left but bravery

just as scary, getting raped and knocked up

and after that, getting raped by society, – no justice

while my innocence is surrendered

and that bastard is praised for his gender

given his future, and kissed on his ass

this reality is all worse than murder

because it’s accepted

and takes away lives

in worse ways than murder

a slow death

emotions and humanity snatched

likened to less than an animal

what a nightmare we live in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cried in Class :(

Salam

Today, I nearly lost it. I couldn’t control my tears. I was in too much pain to handle working in class. Classmates started staring at me as I was cringing, trembling and probably turning red from this female bodily chaos. The stress in getting through my classes, doing all my homework and taking care of my brain all while perioding ( dont want to say the “m” word, it sounds scary and medical) became overbearing.
My day at school just began and I only lasted 5 minutes in ceramics class until I whimpered to my professor if I can come back tomorrow to work on my projects. I whimpered. I didn’t have the energy to stoke up a straight forward Hey I’m not feeling good, I need to leave- Can I come tomorrow. ” I didn’t want to make a scene. Especially since college just started a week ago 😥

For me, my period consists of: Hormones, wanting to throw up, hungry, thirsty, not hungry, not thirsty, hating and loving in the same time, wanting to crap out all the pain, the feeling of knives being jabbed up your vagina, and then lastly the overall  fatigue and insane need for sleep. all whilst the urge to inhale chocolate. It excruciating since my body isn’t able to withstand it all at once. I can’t even sleep through it. I just wait until it’s over. 48 hours. of waiting.

So how can this not result in a few tears dying to escape. Literally dying. I Felt like I needed to die to end it all. I can’t wait till menopause. I’d rather deal with heat flashes any day then the combination of physical and mental hell infused into my body and mind.

I really do wonder how other women are able to conceal this torture. It truly amazes me how they’re able to bare through it and still get work done and maintain a professional face.  I know these period stories are nothing new but it’s something that seriously affects me every month. It affects the way I think and feel every time.

Oh how I wish this society can officially accept women having at least one day off for their periods. I wonder how much more would actually get accomplished by that. Fortunately, men in Islam are commanded to be extra kind and patient with the women in their lives when they go through this pain( AKA Bitch phase). Women are given time off their duties and allowed to snooze and let all go as they vortex into their own uterine world of biological renewal. I’m spoiled. And it’s my god-given right to be!