Punched in the face by hypocrisy

Bismillahi rahmani rahim

How should I start this.  Amidst the wonderful opportunities of meeting amazing people, I’ve also crossed-paths to discover instances that kinda broke my heart.  Hypocrisy.  My intention isn’t to point out the hypocrisy in others, rather it’s to recollect the sadness that I experience and find a window of sunshine through it.

I’ve been basically a hermit for the past few years ever since coming back from Bayyinah in 2013, and in general the circumstances in my life had left me with very little understanding of people and the outside world.

So all of a sudden since getting back in touch with the community and in general, life itself, I’ve discovered many uniquely spectacular people.  I fell in love with everyone that showed even a little bit of humanity and respect. I also found people I thought were inspiring and like-minded, like I’ve finally found the right crowd of people, -despite me still being the quirky oddball weirdo (my highschool personality still resonates from within) ,

erm so where was I..  yeah so there were some really cool people I met and I kinda looked up at em but then as I spent more time, things weren’t as I thought they’d be. Small uncanny surprises made their way and I actually realized how much I disagreed with these people.

Like a lot.

I thought maybe it’s a culture difference.  but nowadays, most people develop their own versions of culture.  idk yaar i’m just saying that when these people display Islamic practice and then I see some things that aren’t very islamic, more like not islamic, like un-Islamic.

it just kinda hit me.

One of the worst cases was when the Imam-uncle was straight up harrassing me for 4 hours when I told him my marriage was an insult to Islam and that info about my marriage is confidential information.

Like bro that aint how being an “imam” works.. ugh! this is why people hate Islam! he made me hate being born as a girl.  the misogyny and arrogance was fuming out of him.

that’s one of the extreme cases though.

There are lighter cases but I guess in this day and age, these are all nuances.  nobody cares.

I care tho.

eheh that’s why im writing about it.  I know I have my weaknesses, and I accept that when I do bad things, that they’re bad things, and I more than wish for others to not suffer from weaknesses like mine. But when you preach one thing and then show another thing, that’s when it’s messed up.

when you appear as a role model for youngsters, that’s when it’s messed up.

and when you talk a ton, say all these super ilm-y (knowledgey)  things, but then your actual demakh (mind, baal)  appears empty, that’s when it kinda just slightly punches me across the face in astonishment.

like there’s so much talk about taking a right turn, but then why do I see you limping to the left side of the street.

ur just another person to me now, but one who punched me in the face.  with good qualities and bad qualities, but one who punched me in the face.

I’ll pray for you and strive hard to educate others to not be like you, and most importantly, for me to not be like you,  somebody who admired you.

 

angst

I cant waste my light for wretched ecstasy, there’s no time for me, I’m not infinite and I have responsibilities.

I’m not used to looking in reverted mirrors, this hypocrisy is not my destiny

it’s not my fortitude

poison apple, suffocating my thoughts away from me, it’s not my fortitude. I’m not used to this blasphemy burning my dreams

what horrors lie behind you

terrified over what may find me, terrified over what may surprise me, terrified over what may surpass me,

say no to me,

dissolve away

this is not my fortitude

Bro I was on TV!!

Can’t believe I’ve been interviewed by riverfront times, npr, Hec-TV, and Channel 5 news! 4 different interviews within one week!  Once i get my hands on the news video review, I’ll add that in.

omg.

I’m somebody who’d hide behind everyone in class and pray to God that a teacher wouldn’t pick me to answer a question.  Lo and Behold, in just a few months of joining CAIR, my work has brought me into the media asking me questions and my opinions about my work!   subhanAllah ❤

So what is this all about? I recurated a local exhibition featuring American-Muslim artists from all over STL  to exhibit and sell their work.

I’ll add in more information and detail on how I did everything soon. I’m totally pooped after 3 months of planning this out!  BTW it was a huge success.  over 250+ came to the exhibition and some people couldnt even enter because of lack of parking.

okaaayyy so..

here are some articles and a video!

 

i had no idea what i look like in person until now 😮  mirrors are deceiving.

http://www.cair-mo.org/art

http://news.stlpublicradio.org/post/cair-missouri-organizes-first-muslim-american-art-exhibit#stream/0

http://www.riverfronttimes.com/artsblog/2017/04/06/opening-this-weekend-st-louis-first-ever-muslim-art-show

plz ignore my face tho.  Idky I look so terrified.

 

Gosh, before this, I had nothing for my resume. And now I got so much done in just one shot!  🙂 🙂

 

How long

For how long will my father be stolen from me

For how long will I be bereaved of my king

For how long will I only retain memory of his kindness, and let my eyes be soaked with sadness

My father, my provider, the most well-meaning being I know

raising me with nothing but hugs and kisses

showing me his love for animals and bird houses

teaching me to speak well, and love.

growing up, I had only tried to care for him

but his mental illness, his simplicity for life had abducted me from security.

I grew up with little integrity and dignity

Hiding from the embarrassment

that my father cannot be seen as normal.

From birth, to even now a past marriage, he is still not mine yet

He’s still away from me.

He’s close in my heart

but these years have me distraught.

22 years, and i’m still struggling to give him the best

to give the best of what any father deserves

which is why it kills me that

the only rest he can really have

is his final one

and nobody else can see that but us.

it is all invisible

 

Sweetness in falling back

Doesn’t giving up sound sweet

The idea of being left idle

As you idealise the thought of falling off your feet 

Letting life flow 

Let me be closed minded for a little while

Let me sleep

Let me drown deep 

With my eyes closed 

And my heart at silent slow beats

Giving up

Letting go

For just a second

Naahh time to run the coffee maker cuz this girl has got to pass her exams

April fools. Lol